Just some thoughts...

About 4 years ago, I joined a birth club. Isa was in the womb and I joined to find a community. I became very close with a group of women and we took our "group" out of the birth club and formed our own space. By the time Isa was around 2 I was more intimate with this group than I was with Rebeca. It really hurt our relationship in a very dangerous way. I cut all ties with these women and asked them to please not contact me so that I could save my life with Rebeca. I missed them all very much, but knew that I had to choose Rebeca and our kids over them. There was no question about it.

Two years have passed since I last had contact with them. The other day I received an email saying that one of these ladies is dying. That she had been diagnosed with cancer at a very late stage and that she only had days to live. All I could do was sit and stare at the screen. I replied, said to give her the hugest hug and kiss possible and tell her that I love her. I didn't/don't know what else to do.

Thinking about her and her final days with her husband and daughters tears at my heart. I can't even begin to fathom what that means. Looking into Rebeca's eyes and saying goodbye?? Touching, kissing, breathing my daughters' smell for the last time?


R-

You wonderful, precious woman. I love you and can't say good-bye. So I won't.
You will always live on, in those amazing girls, in the love that you've had with your husband. Your love story was always an inspiring one. I thank you for those years of friendship. You always provided a sympathetic ear and were always a champion for me when others didn't view me as a "real" mom. Thank you for that.

Fuck cancer. I am so sorry that I haven't been there for you during this shit ass time. I'm sorry that I'm only finding out now and that I don't know what to say to you. I'm sorry that I can't be there holding your hand, but I hope you can feel my spirit. My thoughts, my prayers and my love are with you. And when you do let go, know that it's okay. Your girls will grow to know how brave and strong you are. They will hear of your love, how they each came to be. And if they ever need anything they have the Bar aunties to be there. Never doubt that.

Dammit R. What a shitty way to get back in touch. Across the miles I'm hugging you fiercely.
I love love love you.

Stacy