The One Where I Cry...Shhhhhh

I struggle to write this…

I don’t cry very often, or very easily.  It’s not something I like doing, nor do I really like it when anyone else does it either.  Blame it on being Japanese and stoic, or whatever, it just makes me uncomfortable and kinda mad.  

There are two things guaranteed to make me cry.  

1. Question the legitimacy of my being Isa and Maya’s mom.  

And 

2. Question God’s love for yourself or me just because we’re gay.  

This post is about number 2.   I don’t even know where to start.  

In my college days I met a woman named Dee.  She was also from Hawaii, so because of that we had a commonality.  I met her when I was with my first gf and she was newly exploring her gay side.  

We remained acquaintances.  A few years later I was single and Dee had met Rho.  A couple of months later I was with Rebeca.  

We had a very close knit group of friends (4 couples and a singleton or two) that we called the United Colors of Bennetton.  (Remember that brand?)  We celebrated all holidays together, took trips to the mountains, had football Sundays and game nights.  We were tight.  We started having kids and these built in aunties were our village.   

Rho was brought up in a very conservative family in Nebraska.  They were/are 7th Day Adventists and because of that Rho was never out to her family.  She and Dee lived together and didn’t even have an extra fake bedroom, but she felt like her family didn’t, and couldn’t, know. 

We all thought that was laughable, but whatever.  Around her family we never let on that they were a couple, or even that we were gay for that matter.  

Because, again, we were tight.  

Fast forward to Monday afternoon. 

I received a text from Carmen in the middle of a meeting.  “Holy hell. Did you read Rho’s FB post?”  

I glanced over it quickly and immediately felt nauseous.  

“What the fuck? Can’t fully read it right now…in a meeting, but she’s leaving Dee???”  

“It looks like she is.  Because God has commanded it.”  

On a break I read the full post.  It was long and rambling and horrible.  By the end I was on the verge of tears and felt like throwing up.  

In the post Rho talks about how much she has experienced God’s love and although she does love Dee, she can no longer have a sexual relationship with her because it’s abhorrent to God.  That she has been freed and is over the moon happy because she has allowed God to access her fully.  She asked Dee if she were willing to be celibate, but it seems like Dee did not agree to that.  Rho says she’s moving home at the end of the month.  

What?! 

They have been together for 16 years.  Sixteen!  And just like that, she’s done.  Leaving the life they have created together because…God.  

She says that she is still gay, but will not act upon these “natural tendencies” because…God.  Yes, she said Natural and believes it’s part of her DNA.  

She says that she mistook Love for what she has learned is actually just lust and pleasure.  16 years of just lust and pleasure?  What?! 

Driving home from my meeting, I cried.  I called Rebeca and just…couldn’t.  

(Rebeca is a recovering Catholic so she’s a bit cynical when it comes to all the God stuff.) 

You all know, as I’ve stated before, that I am NOT cynical at all.  I Believe and do not think that being Christian and being gay are mutually exclusive.  

Yes, I swear like a fucking pirate and enjoy a good alcoholic beverage or a dozen, and I’m sure some may look at me and say, “Her?  A Christian?”  But I don’t give a rat’s ass about what people think.  I know what’s inside me. 

So I called my friend Chantel.  She Knows.  And she’s been there and she’s come out the other side, scarred but stronger for it.  

I called her.  And I cried some more.  Because I know she knows.  

I told her, “You know what makes me the most angry?  All those fucking happy happy joy joy comments after that post!  Those people are WHY she can’t just be happy.  They are the reason for all of her depression and conflict!”  

“I know.  It is hard to live, knowing you’re disappointing so many…” 

We hung up after she implored me to not read any more comments.  She didn’t want my own faith tested.  

But of course I didn’t listen.  I kept reading.  I kept crying.  

Off and on all night long, even after a great workout, I cried.  I didn’t even know why I was SO affected by this.  

Later that night as I lay in bed with Rebeca we talked about it all.  She held me as I cried and I just had to wonder, how could anyone think THIS is wrong?  

THIS wasn’t lust, wasn’t pleasure.  It was pain and grieving and loss and above all, love.  

We talked about who would be thrilled if suddenly one day we woke up, “found” God and left each other.  Who would applaud that as great news? 

I wish I knew.  

What’s the point of this post?  I guess to vent about how heartbroken I am for both of my friends.  For the one who has been left behind and the one who is so damaged by dogma that she can’t accept that she can love God AND Dee.  

So many...can't reconcile two huge parts of who they are.  And that's devastating.  

There’s no good way to end this…