A Queer New World

During the summer of 2000, I was newly single and living alone for the first time in my life. I had a very, very sparsely furnished 1-bedroom apartment. I left everything with my ex except my clothes, my books and a 1 cup rice cooker. Priorities. I had a futon couch, an egg pan, a queen sized bed and metal shelves for my clothes. My computer sat on a red Coleman cooler in my “dining area”. A friend leant me a 12-inch tv that sat on a black plastic file box. The main focal point of my living room was my book shelf filled with the true loves of my life, my books. 

My computer was a Dell desktop complete with dial up internet. Do you all remember that? Took 2 minutes to download a page and view it. And of course I couldn’t use my land line when I was on the interweb. Those were the days. We were patient as fuck!

During those times of early internet civilization, there was a website called PlanetOut.com. I came across it one day and decided to check it out. There was a personals section and since I was an independent woman, I clicked. In order to view people you had to fill out a profile, just like modern times. 

After doing the prerequisite name, location, age etc., there was a section where you checked boxes to describe what type of gay you were. These were descriptors like: lipstick, granola, bear, butch, chapstick, athletic/sporty, soft butch, androgynous, flannel, high femme. I’m sure some of you are like, “What? Wtf? Is this code?”

And some of it was back in ancient times. Remember colored do-rags that men would wear in their back pocket? Remember asking if someone was “family” or, even older, “a friend of Dorothy”?

As the years passed, new words started popping up and I’m now completely lost in Queerland. When I was coming out “Queer” was just starting to be used and accepted. I recoiled from the word and to this day will mostly only call myself gay. The word lesbian held the same attraction as “moist” or “nostril” to me.  J

Now in the days of “gender bereft” or “relationship anarchist” or “unicorn”, I’m confused. 

Have we replaced “butch” with “non binary” or “gender non conforming”? This is the one that puzzles me the most. We used to have soft butch, butch and stone. Is there a difference now?

Doesn’t non-binary mean not identifying with one gender? Another question I have about that is….what part of identifying as masculine cannot be reconciled with being female? Does this not create even more of a binary?

How does someone decide if they are non-binary?

So….I just googled “How to know if you’re non-binary.” And what I got from it was this. Androgynous. And the appreciation of that. I get that! Also, a stepping stone to transitioning??  Is this correct?

Fine. That’s all well and good.  But what about cis women who look femme but say that they are non-binary? What does that mean?

Found this on the Feminist Current site, article is from August of 2016 and is written by Susan Cox.

“A woman coming out as “non-binary” is a non-statement that declares nothing but common loathing of the female class. Is the alternative to a “non-binary” woman a “binary” woman? And what does that mean? That we all love our bodies and have managed not to internalize the male gaze? That we are all fully at ease with the gendered stereotypes placed on us? The non-binary declaration is a slap in the face to all women, who, if they haven’t come out as “genderqueer,” presumably possess an internal essence perfectly in-line with the misogynistic parody of womanhood created by patriarchy.” (Coming out as ‘non-binary’ throws other women under the bus, Cox, 2016”

This is kind of what I’m thinking about. What part of non-binary can you not be if you identify as a woman?

Is professing to be non-binary in turn saying that to be female is less than?

I’m just thinking out loud.

I feel very lost trying to navigate this new queer world and where I fit into it.  Totally makes me feel like a silverback. I’m supposed to be going to this Queer Trans People of Color summit and I’m so anxious about not having enough identifiers after my name.

“Hi, I’m Stacy. Cis/lesbian/oldAF.”

Whereas someone else might be saying: “Hi! I’m #@, pronounced Tzehlph, I am non-binary/GNC/gender queer human who uses ze/zhyr/zhim prounouns. I am a relationship anarchist currently solo poly looking for a new nesting partner. I am a grey ace with demiromantic and pan leanings. I have 2 children who were AFAB birth but I believe them to be gender non conforming.  They are 3 months old and 2 years. I unschool them and am raising them to only think about social justice at all times of the day.”

Amen.

And what is with all of this “my kids are gender non-conforming”? Especially calling them that when they are infants or toddlers???  There was even one woman on this one board who was UPSET that her two sons were such “boys”.

Sigh.

Back in the day when Isa was a babe, Rebeca and I made a point to not buy stereotypical girl baby clothes. We dressed her in varying degrees of greens, browns, blues, reds etc. BUT we did not tell other people to not buy her pink frilly shit. We happily dressed her in anything we were given. It’s called being financially responsible and appreciative. Ha

Likewise as she was getting older for presents we would give her two- like a tool box and a baby doll.  She went through her princess phase none the less. WE did not buy her Disn.ey princess things and we explained why. BUT we did not tell other people that they couldn’t. She never watched the movies so she had no context, but she liked the dresses and the act of dressing up.  That was her and who were we to tell her that she was conforming too much to being a cis gendered female?

Sometimes we worried. Like when she was 3 and came home and wanted blonde hair. Or when she asked when she would get boobs. We were amazed that the daughter of two outspoken feminists would want to be model and would get upset at her mothers’ refusal to wear dresses. But this was entirely her. She was being exactly who she was meant to be and who felt she was. She didn’t watch TV so this wasn’t media induced. She always liked frills and sequins and “fashion”. She was the 2 year old who would give women the up/down at the mall and always have a comment on their outfits.

So many people would think that this is bad. That we were negligent in showing her that there was another way to be…gender non-conforming. But why? The options were always open to her. We put her in sports because I wanted an athlete. The only time she ever paid attention in soccer was when I promised her earrings from Nordstrom if she would make a goal. She was 5 and happily skipped down the field holding her teammates hand, made a goal and that was it.  Ugh.

We bought her a Barbie and when we gave it to her, we also delivered the “this is not a true representation of women’s bodies speech.” She knows all this.

We put her in judo and softball and tennis and swimming. We have power tools and do a lot of our own home projects. She knows that there is no men’s work or women’s work. She is the first to shut down boys at school who try to pull sexist bullshit.

 She believes herself to be female. What would it look like for her to be non-binary or GNC? How would that make her stronger? And why would I want to stifle her, even a little, just because she is so much a stereotypical  girl?

We can’t force kids to be gender non-conforming. All we can do is offer options and expose them to all sorts of humans. They are who they are until forced otherwise. If we feel like we need to mold our children into something else, because…social justice, then maybe we need to look more at who we are first.    

In no way am I saying that non-binary people or GNC humans are “wrong”. Definitely NOT! I embrace and adore all identities, it just makes me feel like a lesbiosaurus when I don’t get it. And I know it’s my responsibility to educate myself and check my own cis privilege.

I suppose all in all this is a Stacy-hates-getting-old-post and not much more. 

Go on about your business.