I know it’s been a minute. And of course so many things have
happened since the last time. Every night I look at my laptop and I know that writing will make me feel better.
As we all know, we’re in the middle of a fucking chaotic and
crazy time and it’s been…like a dream. A nightmare at times.
Let’s start with a story. It’ll make sense later, maybe.
When I was 13 we were in Hawaii during summer vacation. My
mom’s youngest sister had just given birth and all the adults in the family
went to the hospital to visit. I was left behind with my younger brother and
two young cousins.
We had been alone for a couple hours when the phone in my
aunt’s room rang. I went to answer it and a man was on the other end of the
line. This is what I remember from that day…
Man: Do you know *insert aunt’s name*
Me: Yes, she’s not here right now, can I take a message?
Man: I’m calling to tell you that she’s been attacked in her hospital bed.
Me: Yes, she’s not here right now, can I take a message?
Man: I’m calling to tell you that she’s been attacked in her hospital bed.
Me: Okay…
Man: Do you understand what I’m saying? She was raped!
Me: Yes, I understand.
Man: You need to get down here as soon as possible.
Me: I can’t drive.
Man (getting really mad): She was attacked!
At this time, the phone in the main part of the house rang. My cousin answered it and I could slightly hear her through the second line. She came to get me and I put my phone down and went to the other room. It was my mom. She asked who was on the other line and I told her everything the man had said. She told me to hang up and that my uncle’s brother would come by to hang out with us until they could get there.
My uncle’s brother looked like a Japanese Jesus. He arrived and stayed outside in front of the house. Before he arrived the four of us gathered any “weapons” we could find and lined up on the couch that backed up to the large window that faced outside. My brother had his red plastic light saber. Our own little militia.
Man: Do you understand what I’m saying? She was raped!
Me: Yes, I understand.
Man: You need to get down here as soon as possible.
Me: I can’t drive.
Man (getting really mad): She was attacked!
At this time, the phone in the main part of the house rang. My cousin answered it and I could slightly hear her through the second line. She came to get me and I put my phone down and went to the other room. It was my mom. She asked who was on the other line and I told her everything the man had said. She told me to hang up and that my uncle’s brother would come by to hang out with us until they could get there.
My uncle’s brother looked like a Japanese Jesus. He arrived and stayed outside in front of the house. Before he arrived the four of us gathered any “weapons” we could find and lined up on the couch that backed up to the large window that faced outside. My brother had his red plastic light saber. Our own little militia.
Later at the hospital the police questioned me. They said
that some jackass was going from room to room in the hospital and grabbing
phone numbers from the medical charts that were on the doors. I answered their
questions and they seemed surprised that I was so calm. I heard one of them
remark to my aunt about this and she replied, “That’s how she is.” And I
remember being proud about that. My lack of emotion.
In times of emergency or crisis, everything slows for me. Slow motion. Even something as simple as softball. I played third base, the hotspot. When a hit would come hard at me, time slowed. And I could react.
In times of emergency or crisis, everything slows for me. Slow motion. Even something as simple as softball. I played third base, the hotspot. When a hit would come hard at me, time slowed. And I could react.
On March 12th we got the announcement that school
would be closing because of the virus. We decided to stay open one more day so
that our families could have some time to prepare. We left that afternoon,
locking up our classrooms like we normally would for the weekend. I took home
some files and my laptop. And I felt okay.
The next week we were super busy creating online learning
for our kids and “homeschooling” Isa and Maya. It was hard for Maya, not being
able to go outside, but overall it was okay.
A couple weeks went by and I noticed that I was sleeping a
lot. I would get up for a meeting and then go back to bed. I would stay in my
bedroom all day working and wouldn’t eat. I stayed up until 4 in the morning
because sleep would not come. Yet I still felt like I was doing okay.
One day I went for a long walk with the dog. About 10
minutes into the walk we turned into an open space. There were a couple of
people also walking but nowhere near me.
Suddenly I couldn’t breathe. My chest started tightening and
my heart was pounding so hard it was painful. My first thought was, “I’m not
even running!” and then, “Oh my god, am I sick?”. I realized that I was having
a panic attack. We kept walking and I tried to regain control of my breathing.
It took a little bit but finally I felt better.
After that experience I noticed that going shopping would
induce the same feeling of not being okay. I would speed through the grocery
store, dodging people and trying not to make eye contact. Every person was a threat.
Either because of the virus or because Asians were receiving a lot of hate
because of the virus. Going to the store was exhausting and my anxiety level
would not go down until I was back in the safety of my home- where I would strip
off my clothes and jump in the shower, almost in a panic.
Now that we are wearing masks, I feel a little better. I
also realize how Asian my eyes look when I’m wearing a mask.
Nothing is comfortable. Nothing is safe.
Nothing in my life has every made me feel this out of
control.
The calmness. The logical responses. The control of my
emotions. It’s all gone.
I miss being wooden.
1 comment:
At the risk of showing my internet age, here is an old fashioned chat room hug ((())). The kids these days would think I'm crazy. I hear what you're saying. This is fucking hard.
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