Not That There's Anything Wrong With Frozen Pizza

Today was Day 2 with children. Not my children. The children who come to our school. We’ve been prepping for this inevitable day. Worrying. Crying. Gut turning anxiety. About this day. Teachers revolted and wrote a letter to a big boss to no avail. They were basically told, ”We bought you some gloves and masks. Go to it or…”.  I spoke out and got nailed back down. I told Them that what we were asking of our teachers was horrible and that we speak so much about supporting our families but so many of our teachers come from that same population. We are asking them to choose their jobs or their health, and the health of their loved ones. It’s not right.

All because we don’t have a government that takes care of it’s people. Especially its most vulnerable people. But you all know that.

This is a completely off the walls time for everyone right now! Every day seems to bring some new What the Fuck?! On Monday it was 90 effing degrees. Yesterday it snowed and was in the 30s. WTF.

In the past week I’ve heard of at least 5 different people dying. Most of them suddenly and tragically. WTF.

This year needs a good dunking in some holy water and then incensing the shit out of it.

A couple weeks ago I went for a “jog” for the first time in months. I felt okay. Didn’t complete the week 1 day 1 requirement, walked more than I should, but felt okay. I got home and started sweating profusely. I felt good about it…like yeah! Die fat!!! I took a shower and started feeling strange. I laid on my bed but couldn’t get comfortable. My chest was hurting like it normally does when I’m running, but it wasn’t going away. I went downstairs and sat on the couch. My left arm hurt and I was having pain between my shoulder blades. I, of course, start WebMding and think, “shit. I’m having a heart attack.”  

I didn’t want to say anything to Rebeca because she would’ve freaked out and made it More. I sat there and squeezed my temples because my head had started pounding! I needed dark and quiet. As I lay there, and thought about my impending death, I wondered what would happen to the kids. I don’t think Rebeca would do well if I died. Really!  Would they ever eat a home cooked meal again?

Then I thought about how long I was going to lay there before I told her that I should go to the emergency room. And that we should drive because there was no way we’re going to pay for an ambulance! But riding in an ambulance would be cool…

Lots of thoughts.

Rebeca knew something was up. She got me something to drink because I told her that I thought I was a little dehydrated. I passed out for like 10 minutes and when I woke up I felt a little better. My chest and head hurt less. I skipped dinner and went to bed.

The next morning I was healed!

Ha. As I googled throughout the day I decided that I had had a large anxiety attack. I’d been having mini ones every time I go out walking, but nothing ever as bad as this. I don’t know why it’s mostly during outdoor activities. I’m fine when I go grocery shopping or being at work, but whenever I’m walking the dog my chest tightens up and I can't catch my breath. 

We went to Moab in June and hiking up that goddamn mountain to get to the arch took me forever! Every time a group of people would come near me I would have to step off the trail, look away and breathe until they passed. I looked very un-fit I'm sure. 

WTF

I’ve NEVER had anything like this happen to me. And I don’t get why it’s when I’m outside where it’s “cleaner” than inside air.

Sigh.

The day after my “heart attack” I told Rebeca that I thought I had been dying. She knew and when I said it was probably a mix of anxiety and dehydration, she rolled her eyes. She knew. She knows. She battles her own anxiety daily and my little episode was a common one for her.

So, I guess all of this is to say that I don’t know what to do about this new thing of mine. How can I get outside without freaking out?

And will someone start a meal train if I die so my kids can eat real food and not live on frozen pizza?