Tonight we went to dinner. Just the 4 of us for some Japanese food. It was at the end of the meal and I was checking my texts, playing Can.dy Cru.sh Soda, something. Just not really paying attention to the conversation around me.
Suddenly I felt something brush my foot. I ignored it, thinking it was Isa swinging her legs, as she tends to do. Again I felt a kick and looking up said, "Isa, you're kicking me." "Sorry," she replied.
Then I saw Rebeca's eyes. She was giving me the "You effing idiot!" look.
Oh. I was supposed to be paying attention to the conversation. I gave her a "I have no idea what's being said" shrug so she turned to Isa and said, "And then what did you say?"
Then I got the gist of what was going on.
One of Isa's friends said that she thought another little girl would be "GAY". Dun dun duuuuuuuuun!
I asked Isa, " Isa, you know what "gay" is right?"
She shrugged and said, "I don't know, maybe."
Me: We've talked about it. Gay is when a girl likes a girl or a boy likes a boy. Like me and Mama, Aunt Lucia and Aunt Beth or Uncle Duane and Uncle Laurel. And not "like" like how you like your friends, but love. You know?
Isa: Yeah.
Me: Is Kayla saying "gay" like it's a bad thing?
Isa: Yeah
Me: Do you think it's a bad thing?
Isa: No!
Me: Well you could say, "Kayla, nothing's wrong with being gay. My moms are!"
Isa: But then she might say then I'm gay.
Me: Being gay is not a bad thing to be. But how Kayla is saying it, isn't very kind.
Isa: Yeah.
Rebeca: And to say that, isn't true. Whenever people say things, you can always ask us. We'll always tell you the truth. If she keeps saying these things you can tell your teacher or we can.
Isa: Yeah, I know.
Then the conversation kind of drifted off. Maya started talking about ice cream and Isa jumped on to that.
My heart was pounding. I knew that this day would come, but I always thought it would be down the road a bit more. Rebeca wants to cut the kid, of course.
I want to continue this conversation with Isa. I know that since it came out tonight, it's probably been stewing in her mind for a while. She's not one to jump into discussions like this, which makes me even more sad. To think that this has been on her mind, bothering her and making her question so many things...ugh.
Rebeca and I talked tonight. We don't want her to feel like she has to defend us, but we want to give her the voice to stand up for her own feelings. I think even just giving her the words, "So what?" might help. She doesn't have to say anything else. And given her personality, it would suit her a little more than trying to share her feelings with her friend.
It hurts. Physically it hurts. To know that this is just the beginning. How will she react down the road when the words sting more, the insinuations more vicious?
I wish I could just keep her from everything mean and sad and dangerous. But of course this is the same thought all parents have.
Who knew this parenting gig would be so emotional?
5 comments:
I'm relying on you to pave the way for me here. I feel like I need to have an answer to this but it slips off of my mind like oil and water every time I try. My subconscious is clearly trying to avoid it. Mostly I center around :why are kids such assholes" and then don't get any farther. Thank you for sharing this with us!
Ok first of all...I'm absolutely sick about how present you AREN'T when with your family at dinner. I mean. COME ON !
I'm sorry that she's dealing with this. Honestly, now it's not a big deal per se for us. We just know that we listen and help them with the words to say when it comes up.
Help them feel confident.
Thing is, I look at it as a great way to teach those kids whose parents might not be as "Open Minded" to be more accepting. And maybe it will start conversations at home and they can in turn teach their parents to be nice.
Hugs !
I'm with Rebeca... I want to cut the kid too. I anticipate that G and I will have to have these types of conversations with Grace when she gets older. Still I'm wishing we won't because it breaks my heart just to think about it. Why can't kids just be nice 24/7? Ugh.
Kudos to you both for creating an environment where Isa felt secure coming to you about this. Good job mamas. :)
Big, big hugs….
Totally late to reply but I just finally found your blog again! I use Wordpress and my 'other blog' reader got deleted off my iPhone so many months ago. So yay for finding you again. I quite like the idea of getting her to say 'so what?' But then she probably also needs a back up plan if the girl goes feral on her at that point! Good luck.
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