My gold star is a little tarnished

Oh gold star shmoldstar.  Obviously you don’t know me as well as you should, Jersey.  I am ashamed that in all of our years as friends, you never realized this about me.  I may not be as slutty as you were with the boys, but I did enough to know that I didn’t like it.  *smile*

I didn’t get to experience the clothes ripping, passion filled stuff until a few years later. 

My plan going to college was to be bisexual.  That way I could experiment while in school, since that was what you were supposed to do, and then I’d just get married to some guy in the end.  It was all planned out. 

During my freshman year I was so busy enjoying my freedom and drinking like a fish, I didn’t really date anyone.

Well unless you count these weird little relationships I kept finding myself in, with straight girls.  Straight girls who would become very possessive of my time, yet would also have a boyfriend in the wings.  It was all very odd.  There was one girl (oh my god Rebeca laughs everytime) who would always lay on top of me.   At the time I thought it was a bit strange, but then I thought that’s just how mainland girls are.  Very affectionate.  We would hold hands and she would always want me to sleep over in her twin sized bed. Weird.

I had a few of these “relationships” during my freshman and sophomore year.  When I would start to pull away, or try to have other friends these girls would go nuts and we’d “break up”.  Am I the only one to have experienced this shit? 

When I was a junior I realized that I really did like women.  In THAT way.  And I freaked out.  I started going out with all kinds of guys, just to try and find the one that would make me feel like what the books describe.  I tried my hardest to like them.  To like how they acted.  To like how they touched me.  But in every instance I was just supremely bored.  Bored and uncomfortable and always wondering what I was doing wrong. 

It wasn’t until the beginning of my senior year that I saw the light.  I was pretty sure that I was a gay by then, but hadn’t done anything about it.  Then one night we were having a party at my house.  I was out with my rugby girls and came home while the party was still going strong.  I was suuuuuper faded, and just wanted to go up to my room.  As I climbed the stairs, my roommate’s cousin, Wendy, was coming down.  I said hi, and as I passed her, she grabbed me by the shoulders, slammed me against the wall and kissed the shit out of me.  Oh. My. God.  THIS is what I had been missing!   Every fucking thing I had ever read in every single book was happening to me.  It was insane.  And over in an instant.  She kept going downstairs and I went to my room and passed out. 

From then on, I didn’t waste my time with boys.  Well there was this Marine, but that was just one time.  But really after that, I knew what I wanted and what it was supposed to be like.  It only took 21 years.  Shiiiit.