Why I Keep It On The DL

Recently one of my friends make a comment that she thought it was “ass backwards” for me to tell all my secrets on my blog to strangers, rather than to my close friends.  It didn’t take me long to respond to her. 

It’s frightening for me to share all of the things I feel to the people I know in my everyday.  No one wants to hear my rants about how unfair things can be for gay people.  No one cares about the sordid stories from my past.  And I can’t even fathom telling my grandmother’s death story to a group of friends over drinks.  It’s too much to tell what I feel, sometimes, to even find the words to describe what's on my heart.  Far too difficult for me to look into my friends’ eyes and bare my soul before them.  Maybe that’s just me.  Am I strange that I send all of my emotions out into the great wide internet?  I guess in that way, I don’t have to deal with the response.  

This is not to say that I don't confide in my friends.  I do!  But my blog is my brain.  A mess of jumbled thoughts that may be completely out of context from my daily life.  And sometimes my mess is best left to these pages.  

There are only 5 people that I know in real life, that real this blog.  Well, that I know of.  But if there are more… if you’re out there and I know you…please, I’d like to remain ignorant.   For now, at least.  It’s stressful enough for me, sometimes, to know that my words are being read by these 5.  These lucky 5 that get to read my ugliness.  *sigh* 

Here’s an intro:

Dana.  I met Dana when we were sophomores in college.  We had a Creative Writing class together and soon bonded over our similar major, English Secondary Ed.  She became one of my closest friends throughout college and I even had a tiny crush on her at one point.  (Surprise Dana!  Lol)  She’s also read a ton of my really bad writing so she’s used to this kind of blather.  I heart her mucho. 

Jill.  We met during high school and were on the newspaper staff together.  We had a great time being filled with angst and listening to fab music like Depeche Mode and Jane’s Addiction.  Jill has always been such a great supporter of me and mine and I always find comfort in her words and wisdom.   She’s still one of the smartest people I know and I wish we could hang out more.  *hint hint*

Jersey.  She’s my girl for sure!  She’s also Rebeca’s soulmate, even though we have much more in common- such as our disdain for tacos at every meal and the attitudes of our brown women about sleeping accommodations.   She was also there for us during the time when I made a horrible mess.  And instead of saying, “Damn Stacy, you are a fucked up loser!”  She said, “How can I help?”  For that, I will always be grateful.   I know she has my back and, with her brass knuckles, I feel very protected. 

Carla.  She became “my person” after a year of teaching together.  She’s the Meredith to my Christina and vice versa.  We’re not completely set on who’s who yet.  She tells me like it is and never holds back an opinion or anything else for that matter.  She knows all of my secrets and gives me shit, but seems to still like me.  J  I don’t think she even reads this blog, but I had to give a shout out since she knows about it. 

G.  She’s my newest friend in real life and telling her about this blog was a bit of an accident.  *oops*  In the short time that we’ve known each other I’ve really come to appreciate her as a person and as a friend.  I feel like I’ve known her for a lifetime and it’s been almost too easy to slide into this friendship.  You know one of these conversations.  Me:  Remember that party 8 years ago at that one house?  We were soooo drunk!  Her:  What?!  I just met you 2 months ago.  Me:  Oh yeah… 

It’s like she’s always been around, like she already knows everything about me.  In reality, she doesn’t know me that well.  I guess she does now.   If she runs, she’s too cool to be my friend anyway.  *smile* 

So those are the lucky few.  Rebeca knows about this blog as well, but I think she respects my privacy and doesn’t read it.  Before we met, and a few years after, I journaled alllll the time.  It was my outlet and she knew how important it was for me.  I think she views my blog as my new outlet.  I’m grateful for that, but I also don’t really care if she does read this.  (Kinda)