What's Love Got To Do With It?

Recently one of my friends de-friended most of her FB list.  She was tired of seeing everyone's "shiny, happy lives".  

As I've commented in the past, most blogs that I've read only report on the "shiny, happy" aspects of the blogger's life.  Sometimes there will be a period of silence and when the writer returns, their marriage/relationship has ended.  

And I get it.  No one wants to reveal the ugly sides of their lives.  No one wants to show a weakness or the sad side of lesbian relationships.  We're supposed to be perfect, aren't we?  We can't possibly be like the 50% of straight relationships that break up.  We're supposed to be so evolved and shit.  

Well, surprise surprise, there has been a bit of trouble in this paradise called my life.  

Not to get into too much detail, because really no one has that much time, but Rebeca and I are in a very sad place right now.  There's a ton of past hurt and pain and we can't seem to swim to the top and stay there.  There are definitely periods of "good", but the bad has been pretty bad lately.  We've been in couples counseling since this past fall, and things seem to be  looking up in very small steps.  

I just get so tired.  

Tired of the same fucking conversation, that I'm fully aware I'm stoking much of the time.  Tired of feeling unappreciated, unloved and unwanted.  Tired of this endless fucking cycle that we've trapped ourselves in.  

This past weekend I told her that I was ready to move back to Hawaii.  Alone.  I was going to leave.  In that moment I really did not feel like I wanted to work on this anymore.  I didn't feel anything.  I just didn't know what else to do.  How to shake her up.  How to make her feel the same pain that I had been feeling.  

She said, "Go ahead.  Do what you need to do."  

On Monday we had a therapy session.  And even though I already know how Rebeca is, it was reiterated how different we are.  She shuts down as I attack.  She gets defensive when I plea.  I take her silence for confirmation, when really she is thinking the opposite. When she is sad or scared she attacks and I react.  We are the shittiest fighters around. We both need to be right, although I suspect I'm far worse about it than she is.  She at least will admit when she is wrong and will apologize.  Me?  Well.....I'm never wrong so... 

Tonight I had dinner with one of my closest friends.  She also happens to be a social worker.  We were talking about all of our relationship shit and I mentioned the above. She said, "You can know you're right.  Of course you're right.  But so is she."  

I was like, Fuck you!  But of course it makes sense.  Is all the fighting worth my being "right"?  Yes!!!!  haha  I know.  I know.  The correct answer is, no.

*sigh*  

What's going to happen with us?  In my current state of mind, I'm....bleh.  I know Rebeca is in it for the long haul, she's told me as much.  It leaves me breathless when I think about having to tell the girls that we're divorcing.  It's too painful to even imagine.  

Do I love Rebeca?  More than I've ever loved anyone.  And when we're good, we are SOOO good!!!  But when it's like this....I have to question whether or not, love is enough.