The story.

**The following is a little bit graphic.**

On Monday, December 19^th, my mom called me as I was driving to our staff Christmas party.  She told me that my grandmother was going to be discharged from the hospital on Wednesday, and that she was coming home for hospice.  My stomach dropped and so many things ran through my mind.  “Shit!  Rebeca’s sister is here.”  “Fuck!  My mom isn’t even home.” A very mature reaction.

But as the idea settled in, I mostly thought about the prospect of very long term care.  Diapers, sponge baths, medication, pain.  I had no idea what “hospice” meant in regard to time.  And I felt horrible to even remotely hope for a “quick” death.  I still feel sick admitting that. 

The official diagnosis for hospice was End Stage Cardiac Failure.  But she also had cirrhosis of the liver and kidney failure.  Because her body was unable to get rid of the waste inside of her, sores formed on her legs and would weep excess fluid.  Her heart had a valve that wouldn’t close properly so her blood was filling up her stomach.  Any one of these things would eventually begin the shut down of her body. 

As the first few days passed, it was okay.  My aunts were there almost all day and really shouldered the responsibilities.  My mom came home the following Sunday, which was also Christmas.  It was a nice day.  The children really helped with the overall mood.  Baba was able to sit out in the living room in her wheelchair, and seemed very happy. 

**Back story** My mom has two sisters, 7 and 9 years younger.  The middle one, AL, is…slightly crazy.  Seriously.  She hasn’t spoken to my mom for the past 11+ years.  Up until we moved here, my youngest aunt had mostly taken AL’s side.  That was until I got all involved and tried to salvage the family, for the sake of the girls.  Mom called a meeting with her sisters, but AL wouldn’t come.  Since then, AJ (youngest) and my mom have pretty much reconciled.  So much more to say about AL, but that’s for another day.  And, we all live within 2 miles of one another.  Yay. 

But everyone gathered on Christmas.  And it wasn’t even that awkward. 

By Christmas, Baba was already having a hard time staying awake for long periods of time, and had a really raspy voice from all of her coughing.  My cousin Nolen called from Las Vegas, and she was barely able to talk to him. 

For the next week, we settled into a pretty good routine.  My mom, aunts and cousin are all teachers too, so we were all on break. 

AL caused some drama saying that she felt like she was unwelcomed whenever she came over so she was never stepping foot in the house again.  *sigh*  Even AJ could see the ridiculousness in that and called her on it.  So now, AJ is also on the silent treatment list.  *grin*   (We know that this is her way.  She doesn’t know how to grieve, so she finds something to get mad about.  Classic AL.) 

Toward the end of the week, Baba mostly slept.  Every night I gave her some meds to help calm her.  It seemed to help her cough a little as well.   It was a pretty helpless feeling, hearing her struggle throughout the night.  Almost like having an infant, waking up with every noise.  And every night I would pray that the end would come gently and quickly.  And then I would ask for forgiveness for praying for that. 

Even though she mostly slept, she was still quite lucid.  She could answer questions, mostly by nodding or shaking her head.  Our friends from Colorado came to make mochi on the 30^th and she smiled when I introduced them and their baby to her. 

She wasn’t eating much by this time, but still seemed to enjoy her food.  I made her a fresh mochi with azuki in it, and she was excited enough to eat half.  J 

On New Years Day, she mostly slept. 

Monday the 2^nd, Rebeca and I took our friends to Hanauma Bay.  We had a fantastic day and when we came home, she seemed okay.  I went to Hip Hop that night, and when I came home Rebeca told me that when the girls went in to say “goodnight”, Maya went to her usual place by Baba’s head.  She liked to grab the bars and jump up and down.  That night, Baba grabbed her hand and didn’t seem to want her to leave. ( Rebeca broke down tonight, recalling that moment.)  Should we have had Maya stay longer?  Was that Baba’s way of saying goodbye?  It’s so sad knowing that was the last time she touched Maya.  That Isa was too…Isa to get that close. 

On Tuesday we took our friends around the island on an eating tour.  When we got home that night, my mom relayed that the day had been pretty eventful.  My AJ was in charge that morning, as my mom had to go to work.  The day began with Baba taking off her diaper and making a huge mess everywhere.  She had blowouts two more times that morning.  Most of what was in her diaper was blood.  When my mom got home early that afternoon, Baba was declining.  She was unable to suck on her straw and wasn’t eating at all.  

That night, I went in at my usual time to check on her and to see if she was comfortable.  Her eyes were slightly open, but she was mostly just gazing toward the ceiling.  It was hard to talk to her, she wasn’t responding as much as she had the day before.  I gave her the medicine to calm her mind, turned off the tv, and then wished her a good night.  As I walked down the hall toward my bedroom, I felt guilty leaving her awake in the dark.  But I was also not even sure if she had known that I was there. 

Then came Wednesday morning.  January 4, 2012. 

At 6:00am Rebeca shook me awake and I heard AJ calling for me.  I jumped out of bed and literally stumbled down the hall.  AJ said that Baba had just thrown up some blood.  She said to call the hospice nurse.  I grabbed some towels, handed them to Rebeca and called the hospice number.  During this time Baba was slightly awake.  She didn’t seem uncomfortable or even aware of what had just happened. 

I called the hospice and the on call nurse phoned me back within minutes.  I described what happened and she wondered if grandma needed an anti-nausea medication.  I told her that I didn’t think she was nauseous, and that she wasn’t throwing up anymore.  When I told her that blood was coming out, she was concerned and said that she’d be there in about an hour. 

During this time, Rebeca called my cousin Jen and my mom.  Everyone started to come over.  AL showed up with my uncle and I started to call my brother and youngest cousins. 

By 7:30 everyone was there and the nurse arrived shortly after.  She examined my grandma and noted that her blood pressure was very low (it’s always been a little on the low side) and that her temperature was at 88 degrees.  She was in the “active phase of dying”. 

The active phase of dying. 

What did that mean?  I, of course, goo.gled it.   It described that the body would start shutting down.  That the limbs would start to be cold (they were), the breathing would start to be irregular (it was), and that her periods of wakefulness would decrease. 

We told Isa that Baba was not going to get better.  That she was too old and too sick.  We told her that she was going to die.  Isa asked, “Is she going to die today?”  And when we said it would be soon, she said “okay”.  We asked her if she wanted to go and see Baba and she responded yes.  When we took her into the room, AJ asked Baba, “Do you see Isa?”  She nodded her head slightly and then went back to sleep.  Isa didn’t want to say anything or touch her, and we respected that.

Throughout the morning, AJ kept speaking to Grams.  A steady mantra of, “You’ve been so brave.  You don’t have to fight anymore.  I know you’re so tired, you can rest now.  Thank you Grandma for everything.  We’re going to be okay, thank you for being so strong.  For being everything to this family.  We love you.  It’s okay to go.  It’s okay to go.  It’s okay to go…” 

Wow.  That was hard to write.  To remember the love pouring from my aunt.  Speaking this love to her mother.  To witness that, was heart wrenching and beautiful. 

My youngest cousins finally arrived and had a very difficult time being in the room.  The older one is stoic and internal.  The younger one, the baby of the cousins, is expressive and was begging and pleading for my grandma to stay. 

Maya noticed and went up to Kelsey to hug her.  She also kept bounding in and out of the room, kissing Baba on the forehead and jumping by her head.  That is Maya. 

At around 10am, I went into the room to check in.  I noticed that there was dried blood on the side of Grams’ mouth.  I asked AJ if she had thrown up again.  She didn’t know where the blood had come from, so I got a towel and walked toward Grandma to clean her up. 

It all happened so fast. 

As I reached her, blood started pouring from her mouth, down the right side of her face.  No part of her body moved, her breathing didn’t even change.  It just kept coming and coming as I held the towel on the side of her neck, not knowing if it would stop.  I could hear Kelsey wailing in the background .  The entire time, AJ rubbed Grams’ chest.  “It’s okay.  You’re tired.  You don’t have to fight anymore.  We love you.  It’s okay.” 

Inhale…….exhale……………………………. nothing. 

I said, “ Aunty Jackie, I think that’s it.”

She left the room, calling to my mom, and Grandma took another breath. 

She exhaled.  Long pause.  One more inhale.  And exhale. 

And she was gone. 

I was still holding the towel on the side of her neck.  I just kept staring at her face.  Waiting and watching to see if she would breathe again.  To see if there was any movement at all. 

And there wasn’t.  

Just like that.