I'm in a muddle right now. Partly pissed, partly sad and mucho *bleh*. This whole LBD challenge is backfiring for us. It's causing some friction and some unpleasant conversations. Which are NOT new, and always shitty.
I'm at a place where I want to just give up talking/trying/cajoling. I'm going to become a fucking nun and just try to not focus so much on the S-word. I'm going to be very zen about it, throw myself into some activity like Z.umba and say "fuck you" to the idea that I need S to be in a happy and fulfilled relationship.
Rebeca is a huge cuddler. I am not. And really it just frustrates me to no end, knowing that cuddling is where it stops. So I'd rather not be touched at all. Fucked up? Yes. I know. But in an effort to stop all this bickering, that's where I'm at.
Do I love Rebeca? Very much. Do I loathe all this sex talk? Very very much. Because nothing gets resolved. It's been like this for such a long time. We have a fun little cycle we go through every year or so.
It goes like this. I start getting frustrated with the lack of intimacy. I make passive aggressive remarks to Rebeca about it. She pulls away. I take that as rejection and decide we need to fully talk about it. I ask why she doesn't like sex/isn't attracted to me/doesn't think it's important etc etc. She gets pissed and we fight. I remove myself in all physical ways from her. No kissing or hugging. Nada. She then apologizes, says she'll try harder. I feel disgusted that she has to "try harder". All is fine for a little while and then we fall into the rut again. Shitty shitty shitty.
During the time Rebeca was pregnant with Isa, I was really uncomfortable with the idea of sex. I didn't want to cause anything that might affect the baby. After Isa was born we had sex maybe a handful of times until she was 2. She had so many allergy issues and eczema, it was all we could do to hold our heads above water. We were so into the idea of being moms, we forgot that we were also a couple. Rebeca got pregnant with Maya when Isa was 15 months old.
Then we had a "come to Jesus" time in our lives. Isa was almost 2. We almost broke up. We also had the best sex of our lives. It was a wake up call and from then on we tried really hard to make "us" a priority. And normally we do a good job.
And so here we are again. I feel better already, putting this all down on paper. Now that I don't really journal anymore, this has become my therapy.
So fuck you, LBD. Fuck you!!! (Remind me to tell you the clown joke later one. Gotta go get my class.)
2 comments:
I have so much to say.
I walked away after I read this the first time. and then look. you posted again. "kind of" apologizing for it. Don't.
Everything you feel is normal. Everything Rebecca feels is normal.
It just SUCKS. and you both need to agree to come to some middle ground.
Rebecca may be more like I was. She doesn't want a "hey hey, how about a (gesturing with the hands) uh uh" kind of pick up line.
Maybe she doesn't want to talk about it. She just needs to feel like you want to (gesturing with hands) uh uh !
I have a feeling you have a bit of acting ability. That you are able to dig it all back up if needed and use that memory to recreate your earliest "I wanna uh uh uh, all the time" feelings.
Go back. Remember how you looked at her all wanting. Remember how she made your stomach jump. Remember how your hormones would surge through your body leaving you rendered helpless to it.
Find that and bring it back.
Start by kissing her randomly. The way you used to, but haven't for oh so long.
Tell her how much you love her. Remind her about how she used to make you feel.
Go out of your way to appreciate stuff she does. Send her a letter or card. Buy her flowers. Make her feel like she's the neatest treat on the whole fucking island.
See where that gets you and then let me know.
oh and good luck.
Did I tell you to watch the movie Elena Undone.
We just saw it. It's on Netflix instant watch. It was surprisingly good.
Give it 5 minutes before turning it off.
Just a suggestion for a home movie night.
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